It’s impossible to be 365 different versions of myself to impress everybody…So I have decided to be the ONE version that makes me happy.

This one comes straight from the heart…

I am now 21 and still struggle with being myself at times…Not all the time, but I can say it’s a work in progress.

As a child, I didn’t have many friends, and when I say many, I mean ANY. I was always the schoolchild who spent playtime alone, not having anyone to offer my Monster munch crisps too or anyone to play ‘What’s the time Mr Wolf?’ with…to everyone else I was the wolf. I spent my childhood days being terrified of going to school, terrified of people and terrified of all the horrible labels they put on me. It was so bad, I had panic attacks…Of course at the time I didn’t know what that awful heart pulsing, head sweating, feeling like I couldn’t breathe, crying my eyes out experience was. Little did I know, this would have such an immense impact on the rest of my life.

I grew up subconsciously always seeking people’s approval, trying to be a version of myself that made me liked. Trying not to be too loud, never really being honest about how I felt, never feeling good enough, never setting boundaries in how people treated me, never liking who I was…In my mind, if people liked me then I must be doing the right thing and being the “right” person…And if they didn’t not only did it petrify the life out of me…I wanted to know why?

By the time I got to secondary school I thought I had grown out of this way of thinking. I found a love for wearing bright coloured clothing and started to become unapologetic about being an individual. At lunchtime, I didn’t always want to sit and gossip with my friends so I would read or practice my violin or go to choir rehearsal. I finally understood what it was like to be myself and do what I liked regardless of what people thought.

Yes, I still had my ‘ugly days’, but it wasn’t the end of the world…Everyone has these from time to time, right? But then it started again…The panic attacks. Some bright spark decided to shout that I was ugly from the top of the school bus and that was it. That day I ran home quicker than you can say ‘Run Forrest run.’

I became depressed.

Instead of going to school for 9am, I went in at 1pm. I would avoid crowds, walk the long way round the school’s one-way system, I would leave school late enough to avoid attention…Believe me, this was no way to live.

I moved away for business school, hoping that a fresh start and fresh faces would solve my problems, but only found that the problem wasn’t my environment or people…It was me.

For anyone that knows me well, I am LOUD and bubbly! But I spent my college days quiet as a bat. In fact looking back now, it’s sad to know my peers for that moment in time never saw the real me. During this time, it never even occurred to me that my behaviour was down to the baggage I still carried from my childhood.

What’s really strange is that in reality I am a social butterfly, I love people, I love networking and I love to talk and always seem to be the person who people literally run to for advice and there’s nothing I find more fulfilling than helping others to recognise their self-worth and potential. However, I always found it ironic that it was easier to help others than it was to help myself. The truth is I was hiding from a painful past.

I already know that…

• What people think about me is none of my business
• Not everyone will like me
• The people that don’t like me don’t matter!

In spite of this, I am still human and my past still heavily desensitised me to the TRUTH. Even up to my late teens and start of my 20’s there were times, my past would creep up to remind me of the lonely little girl in the playground. This made me paranoid about my family and friends. I convinced myself that they didn’t really like me or if they were around me they must have some kind of ulterior motive and if they ever said anything negative, it stuck to my brain like a permanent label.

The day I decided that, ‘enough is enough’ was recently at work, I was mid-sentence in pitching an idea for a potential story to the news editor, and suddenly I started to have a panic attack on the spot. My eyes were watering, heart racing, my body felt like it was literally on fire, my voice was choky like I was about to run out of oxygen…It was awful. I had to ask myself why did that happen…Is it because all eyes were on me? Was it because for that split second my creepy past convinced me that everyone in the meeting didn’t like me or  didn’t want to listen to what I had to say?

I said to myself ‘I can’t go on like this anymore. This is actually ruining my life!’

So I called my GP for help, I told my family what was happening and how much my childhood had affected me. Simply talking about this to someone else apart from my brain was such an emotional release.

With help (Mom especially) I have started to put my past and all the labels in the bin. It hasn’t been a quick fix and I am still working on giving myself total 100% permission to be me at all times regardless of who is watching or what they’re thinking…But even I realise that if God took seven days to create the world, then it’s impossible to try and conquer an entire past in one.

Most importantly I am learning to deal with things as they come, because if you don’t they can control you and ruin your life. Just because you’re not paying full attention to something at all times, you will find that if you haven’t dealt with it, it will continue to creep into different areas of your life…Sometimes when you least expect it to.

We all have different reasons for why we don’t like or accept ourselves or even make assumptions about other people not liking or accepting us, but if I told you that out of 6 billion people on this planet, there is only ONE you…Would that help to convince you that you are good enough?

Well, whether you answered yes or no to the question, I am telling you that you are good enough. There will always be at least one person in the world who will have a problem with you…They’re not important and you will do yourself the greatest injustice if you continue to  pertain a false version of yourself just to be more socially acceptable to the masses.

Be who you are…Honestly, it’s okay! In fact I want you to find a mirror right now, look yourself square in the eye and tell the person on the other side ‘I LIKE ME!’…Scratch that tell them, ‘I LOVE ME!’

There’s nothing wrong with being who you are, if it makes others uncomfortable then that’s their problem not yours, leave people to work on their own insecurities. If they say ‘you think you’re too nice’ reply ‘YES I AM!’…Ain’t no shame in yo game girl!

This month is about being unapologetically yourself (something that Shara taught me). It’s about identifying who you really are and living up to the best possible version that makes you truly happy.

I want to leave you with something my Mom always says:
“If you like me it’s a bonus, and if you don’t…I DON’T CARE!’

Yours truly